August Wallpaper of the Month

I’m late…again. Shit’s been off-kilter, okay? Odds are, I am the only one who cares about getting the wallpaper up at the first of each month, but I AM HERE. Last month I detailed one of the biggest life events for me and my family, and the pain and change has not let up since. Matters of the mind, home, heart, and office have individually been challenged if not broken within the last month, and today I find myself today as somewhat of a survivor of the hardest, most painful days of my life.

I have been challenged to accept several harsh realities, and this month’s wallpaper is a dedication to the things that have helped in my quest to emotional acceptance and healing. This month’s wallpaper is inspired by the poem listed below, Let July be July, by Morgan Harper Nichols. That even here, in the red hot blaze of pain, I am growing.

Let July be July

Even here, you are growing.
When August is approaching
and you feel a little restless
thinking about how
this month might end
and how
this year might end
and how you are supposed to
start again,
you are growing,
you are growing,
in grace
courage
strength.

And it is okay
if it does not feel like it.
It is okay if there are moments
where you cannot see
the way you have grown,
because far beneath the surface
the seeds have still been sown.
The ground beneath your feet
is still a bed for new beginnings.

So much is changing around you 
but you are changing, too.

You are so much more than the brokenness
that you were certain would define you.

It has not been easy for you.
You have worked so hard
to be the positive one.
You have given your best
in areas of your life
where the effort was not returned. 
And this has made it so hard
for you to keep going,
and there have been days
where you were not sure
if it was even possible.
But after everything,
here you are,
just a little stronger,
holding on a little longer,
and you still found room for hope. 

So take heart
breathe deep
you are still becoming
who you were meant to be.

Let July be July.
Let August be August.
And let yourself

just be
even in
the uncertainty.
You don’t have to fix
everything.
You don’t have solve
everything.
And you can still
find peace
and grow
in the wild
of changing things.

“To heal a Wound, you need to stop touching it.”

ball in a pool

My sister shared a metaphor with me as I was in the midst of struggling with beginnings of accepting a painful truth.

“Imagine that you're standing in a swimming pool.  With one hand, you're holding a beach ball underwater. This beach ball represents something that you've been actively avoiding or repressing, like an unwanted emotion (e.g., shame, fear, or anger), life experience (e.g., criticism or social rejection), or memory (e.g., prior trauma).  As long as you can hold the ball underwater, the surface of the pool is smooth and serene. Life is good. But, your actions in the pool are limited. You can't move around easily. You only have one arm free. And, you can't hold the ball underwater forever. At some point, you lose your grip and the ball comes rocketing to the surface, making a big wet mess. When this happens, you frantically try to shove the ball underwater again as soon as possible. This will make the waves subside in the short-term. It also ensures that you'll continue to be stuck in the same place.

So, what do you need to do in order to have more fun in the pool?

Ultimately, you need to learn how to let the beach ball rise to the surface of the water. When you release your hold on the ball, it is free to float away. It doesn't disappear or leave the pool entirely, but now becomes susceptible to passing winds. Sometimes, it might be right on front of you, and very far away at other times. Accepting its inevitable presence in the pool, you can start to move around freely. You can decide where you want to go.” - SOHO CBT

This month’s wallpaper was more of a full on post, but it was important to me that I document and share the things that are helping me during this incredibly brutal time. If you too are in a brutal time, I’m here with you. I’ll see you back here soon.